Sheena Oxer

Sheena Oxer

I believe that every person has the right to a peaceful and happy life and be set free

Infinite possibilities

Noticing that feeling and thought coming together is all that is creating our reality frees us up to see infinite possibilities for life.

We feel that our past binds us. In the work situation as a manager I was taught that: ‘Past performance is a good indicator of future performance’. But it isn’t the whole story, as thought can change and when thought changes so does behaviour. How many people do we know who have reinvented themselves either professionally or personally; for example with a new relationship, leaving the past job or partner behind. It is possible for us to change, when we think we can’t then it is likely that we wont’ be able to. We have the freedom to believe whatever we want to believe about ourselves and others.

We think we are like we are due to our past, but this is not actually the case, and believing that we are keeps us trapped and helpless. There is nothing that we can do to change the past. But when we can see that we can only experience the past via thought, we then see that we are living in a moment to moment reality where we have the potential to change in any given moment. We change via insight. A sight from within. When we see how our reality is being experienced this change is effortless and opens us up to more and more possibilities in life than we thought possible. We notice that we have a new thought about something, or our behaviour changes without us even noticing the insight, or we suddenly have less thinking about situations that took a great deal of thinking in the past.

I have noticed that I have more time in the mornings. I used to get up and the morning was filled with doing, chivvying children, getting breakfast ready for everyone. I had so much thinking about the lack of time in the morning I used make packed lunches the night before. Now I have more time. I can only assume that the feeling of more time has come from unnecessary thinking about there being ‘no time’ and ‘rushing’ has fallen away. Now I am left more in the moment to do what needs to be done, respond to the children and to fresh thought that always comes my way. This feeling of more time is not limited to the mornings, it can be throughout the day and I am not the only one who has experienced this. This understanding has been taught in a big teaching hospital in the US where clinicians reported that they stopped taking work home with them after learning how the truly work psychologically.

Have you noticed that you may have a thought like, ‘Oh I can just apply for that job’ or ‘I will just contact that person’ and then you don’t because it is shortly followed by all sorts of other thoughts about why you ‘shouldn’t’. All these thoughts are OK, but what if you just did it anyway and saw what happens. This understanding of how life works also allows us to do this with less and less attachment to outcomes.

We are not bound by our past and our future is filled with infinite possibilities.

If you are interested to learn more about this understanding of life please do get in contact with me. I offer a free half an hour chat.

www.sheenaoxer.co.uk

We are also running a 6 week course with support in-between. It start on the 29th April and the details can be found here.

I have a children’s book out soon too!

This sounds like mindfulness

Every person is searching for peace. Some are aware of it more than others. I was acutely aware of my search and the emotional pain that I was in.

Some of the time when I am describing what I do in my facilitation of others, I get the response ‘that sounds like mindfulness’ or ‘that sounds like Buddhism.’ It might, the vocabulary we use might sound the same but this is entirely different. I am sure what we are attempting to describe is the same, however with mindfulness and Buddhism I always here something to do:

Let go

Allow and accept

Be in the moment

Sit quietly

Observe your thoughts

Detach from your thoughts

If I am asked to do something and I can’t I then see it as a problem. Then it becomes something that I need to fix and I search for something outside of myself to try to fix it.

However, what I do is I educate others about how they are already working, how they are experiencing life. It is a description, not an instruction of what to do. In my experience, when clients see that they are already working beautifully, they automatically become more in the moment, they become more accepting of all their emotions. I say educate as we already know this and all I am doing is reminding. The word Educate comes from the Latin word Educaris, to bring out (from within). The client sees from within themselves that this is true through insight. As this is insightfully remembered there is nothing to do as such. We just get interested in one thing: Where do I think my feelings are coming from? If I think that they are coming from my child, my messy house, my husband, my work or something stressful that happened an hour ago, then I am innocently misunderstanding my experience of life. I can only feel what I am thinking right now. This knowing through insight brings me into the present moment as it is the only place I can truly experience life.

There is of course nothing wrong with mindfulness or Buddhism. But it is useful to know that this is different. That even though you may have tried the others and they didn’t ‘work’ for you, there is still something different to try. There is hope.

We can have an insight reading a cereal packet, in the same way someone can have an insight in a relaxation class, or through mindfulness, but it is through the insight that we really change. So I am not saying that this works for everyone (even though we all work in the same way). What I am saying is that we all follow our own unique paths in our search for peace. For me, this understanding was an entirely different path to peace than mindfulness and Buddhism, as I didn’t get insight through those.

Since understanding how my mind works, that I can only ever experience thought in the moment, I have found a peace of mind I didn’t know was available to me. Without meditating and without learning the Dharma.

If you would like to know more, Paola Royal and I are are running a two free webinars the details of which can be found here.

We are also running a 6 week beginners course, click here for more information.

www.sheenaoxer.co.uk

+44 (0) 7879628312

My family are perfect in their imperfection

For the first year or so I loved my parenting and I very much love my children, but in my mind things started to go wrong, and I started to really struggle with my non-sleeping, emotional child.

As a parent who wanted to ‘get it right’ with my children I have read a lot of books that tell me what to do, and how to be.

I am not going to tell you what to do. I have found that as soon as someone says, ‘this is the best thing to do’, then I start judging myself for not being able to do it all of the time. Because I wanted to be a loving mother all of the time. For example the book says, when you feel angry ‘stop, breath, remove yourself from your child’. Well that’s OK when you can actually do that but what about when you can’t? When thought brings you anger and you don’t have the next handy thought to go away from the child! Have you tried to stop yourself from being angry? Does it always work? When it doesn’t do you feel like I did, guilty and like I had got it wrong – a bad Mummy?

What I teach is an explanation of how we are already working, that I can only be angry if I have an angry thought. Noticing that the anger is coming within me and not from my child is so helpful. I can sometimes have a little laugh about it to myself, and then at other times I can’t see it and I am angry. So what.

In the same way my children can have their emotions. I don’t tell them not to cry. I don’t tell them, ‘it doesn’t hurt’, how could I possibly know that? They have and express their emotions and I have and express mine. Again I am not telling you what to do. You know your children better than anyone and really you know what to do. I am saying that when we know where our experience of our children comes from, from thought, we have less cause to worry about them as it doesn’t make sense to us any more to do so.

For example, when I dropped an unhappy, clingy child off at school I would spend the whole day, or at least the morning, worrying about them; worrying that they were OK and feeling sad about them, and wanting to be there for them, to comfort them. However when I picked them up from school what I noticed was that they were fine and I had been worrying for no reason. I checked with the teacher and they had forgotten about their upset about 2 minutes after I had left the classroom. So why was I worried about them all day? When I realised that the worry was coming to me, that it was my thinking, and was nothing to do with them, it didn’t really happen any more.

What I am realising is that family life isn’t supposed to be calm and constant, a bit like we as human beings aren’t supposed to be calm and constant. We all have our emotions, they go up and down like the waves on the sea, it is natural. Family life has a natural ebb and flow and when we know where our experience of that is coming from we get less and less concerned about it being perfect and more and more comfortable with its imperfectness.

If you have issues with your parenting which you would like to address, please do get in touch for a free half an hour chat.

info@sheenaoxer.co.uk

+44 (0) 7879628312

An unseen insight

This understanding is learned through insight, which is a ‘sight from within’, from within ourselves. As this is insightfully seen, you don’t believe something effortfully because I have told you, you see for yourself that it is true, effortlessly. When we can see what is true, we can also see what isn’t and our thinking about it falls away.

When learning about how we experience life we can have insights that are seen and insights that we don’t see. When we have an insight that we see we can clearly see our thinking for what it is around a particular subject or a particular belief. When we have an insight that we don’t see we simply notice that we are showing up differently from how we had previously been able to.

Some time ago I spent the day with Ann Ross on a beautiful and ice-encrusted Dartmoor and returned to collect my children from an after-school club.

While going about our evening antics I was surprised and shocked to hear what was coming out of my mouth. I am not a very impolite person by any stretch of the imagination but when it comes to my daughter, I can, at times, be a little tetchy. She was standing in front of the drawer in the kitchen which I needed to access for some cooking utensil, usually, I would say something less than ceremonious, like ‘you need to move’ and assume that she knew why. The same thought/feeling was going through me: she needs to move so I can get what I need to take out of the drawer and get on with the cooking. And instead of the usual ‘move’, I said, ‘Darling, could you just hop down a for a sec,’ (she was standing on a small chair) ‘I need to get something out of that drawer’ and then ‘Thank you’. I assume that something of my usual thinking had fallen away.

Through no effort of my own something more loving than I was even thinking came out of my mouth. It was not like I planned to be more loving or chose to be more loving. A more loving way of communicating just came out of my mouth. As I learn more and more about how our experience is being created I am being blown away by what ripple effect this is having on the rest of my life and on my experience of every day.

Why do we judge our emotions?

When we were younger our emotions came and went and we didn’t really concern ourselves with it. When we were toddlers, sometimes we laughed and sometimes we cried. Did this mean that there was a problem? Did we judge ourselves as sad when we cried? No, it was sadness passing through. Then we were innocently taught that something was wrong and there had to be a reason for it. We learned from seeing and hearing what our parents did. They innocently taught us what they were taught. In the same way, I innocently pass on this misunderstanding to my children. So we learn that it is OK to laugh together but it isn’t OK to be sad together, not really sad. Then the sadness changes, to something with a different label, worry, anxiety, depression.

Then we judge it, we think that we shouldn’t be feeling it, we should be able to be happy. Really!!? Can you think of anyone who is happy all the time? I can’t. We are human and it feels true to me that we feeling different things at different times. We cannot feel the same thing, happy, all of the time.

Have you been asked questions like:

Why are you feeling sad?

Who are you upset with?

Who made you angry?

What happened in your past to make you so depressed?

All of these questions are missing something fundamental to how we experience life. They are missing that each feeling comes with a thought. The only time I can think is right now.

So the answer to all of the questions above is ‘because I have a thought that comes with that feeling right now’.

Why are you feeling sad?

Because I have a thought that comes with a sad feeling right now. Full stop.

Who are you upset with?

I have a thought that comes with an upset feeling right now. Full stop.

Who made you angry?

No one can make me angry, I have a thought that comes with an angry feeling.

If another person, for example, Dave, can make me angry, why isn’t everyone angry with Dave? Because they think differently about Dave.

What happened in your past to make you so depressed?

Nothing, I have a thought that comes with a depressed feeling right now. It may be about something that happened in the past but the only time I can experience anything is right now.

This is so refreshingly simple and removes the thinking that we used to have about our past, other people and ourselves. It isn’t something to change about myself it is something to know.

When we teach this to young children they understand this so easily as they have had less time to misunderstand what is going on.

What I am talking about is a description of how we experience our everyday life.

As this is a description of what is already happening there is nothing to do.

We don’t have to allow it.

We don’t have to accept it.

We don’t have to let it go.

The feeling can be there, it is coming from a thought. From a thought that is coming to you, right now.

When we know that it is coming from right now, not from the past, not because we are broken, just because. Then it isn’t judged any more. It just is.

Judging our emotions doesn’t make sense to us any more when we know where the feelings are coming from.

Can I teach while being ‘outside in’?

The answer is resounding YES! Here I will explain why.

Being ‘outside in’ has become a ‘thing’ in this movement of the Three Principles. “I am ‘outside in’, how can I teach this”, or “I am not in a good feeling so I can’t teach this now”. It has become an idea, concept or belief.

Quick aside, For those of you who don’t know, ‘outside in’ is being outside the understanding of the logic of how we work. When we are thinking that we work in a way that we do not. For example when I think that my messy house is directly upsetting me and I am missing the fact that I can only feel upset about my messy house via my thinking about it (and not directly). ‘Inside out’ is inside the understanding of the logic of how we work. Where we know that I feel upset because I am thinking thoughts that come with this feeling, they could be thoughts about my messy house or I can feel upset and then blame it on my messy house.

Back to the explanation, if I am ‘outside in’, outside of the logic, there is nothing to do about it, nothing to change. Thoughts change on their own. I don’t have to try and change it. I am not understanding where my feelings are coming from, I think that my messy house is upsetting me, it really seems to be true, but I do still know that it can only be thought in the moment that is causing this feeling.

So the question was, can I teach this logic when I can’t see the logic but know it to still be true. Of course, I can, and have. In fact, I talk about the logic in the same way and the client still has insights. I don’t have to be in a good feeling for clients to have insights. The insights don’t come from me. The client has the insight from within them. I speak about the truth of how I know we experience life and clients see via insights that it is true for them. Whether or not I am able to be in the understanding at the precise moment of teaching doesn’t make a difference to the truth of the logic.

Being human

Finally, we are able to be human. For so long we have been feeling things, deeming those feelings as negative and thinking that there is a problem because we don’t want to feel them and we can’t get rid of that feeling.

Albert Einstein said

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them”.

When we know how we experience life, that thought in the moment is the only thing that can make me feel anything, there is no problem.

So we can be honest about how we are feeling, without feeling guilt, shame or like we should be covering it up. We can sit in a room full of people and ask who has ever felt like this…

Depressed?

Lower than depressed, flat, when you can’t even feel anything anymore?

Suicidal?

and everyone will put their hands up. We are all human beings and we all think and feel different things at different times, but they are the same feelings. We then divide those feelings into good and bad, positive or negative. As soon as we make this split we create something to do. We need to get away from the bad feelings and into the good feelings. This adds more thinking.

But who made that divide? Why is it there? And is it possible for it not to be there?

 

This diagram represents the new paradigm, where we, through insight, no longer split feelings into positive and negative.

When we have a feeling that we would have previously described as negative, it is OK. It passes as it is not being judged. There is less and less suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

When we insight-fully know how our human experience is being created: by thought and feeling coming together in this moment, a lot of thinking we used to have falls away naturally. We no longer spend time ruminating on past events or trying to get away from the feeling, it doesn’t make sense for us to do so.

In this way we become more human, we can feel all the feelings and it is absolutely OK, there is no problem.

When we know that all our feelings, are ever telling us, is what we are thinking in this moment, suddenly it doesn’t make sense anymore to try and effort ourselves away from any feeling. Feelings change on their own because thought is constantly changing. It is not possible for me to tell you what I am going to think in the next moment any more than I can grasp the last thought, it moves so fast I cannot see how fast it moves. In one moment I might think of something that happened several years ago, there is no reason for this, it happens. As soon as I think that there is a reason for this, I am misunderstanding how my human experience is being created.

So, Yes, it is possible for the divide not to be there. We can feel and the feeling isn’t negative to us anymore, it is just a feeling. Even feelings that would have had us running for the hills in the past. Even the previously intolerable feelings can be there, because it isn’t telling us anything about us, other than what we are thinking, right now.

This diagram represents the new paradigm, where we, through insight, no longer split feelings into positive and negative.

When we have a feeling that we would have previously described as negative, it is OK. It passes as it is not being judged. There is less and less suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we insight-fully know how our human experience is being created: by thought and feeling coming together in this moment, a lot of thinking we used to have falls away. We no longer spend time ruminating on past events or trying to get away from the feeling, it doesn’t make sense for us to do so.

In this way we become more human, we can feel all the feelings and it is absolutely OK, there is no problem.

 

Anxiety

Have you been anxious for much of your life? Did you get messages when you were growing up that this was a problem? That there was something wrong with you. That you were broken in some way.

Did those around you say:

‘Why are you anxious?’,

‘What are you anxious about?’

‘Don’t worry so much’

‘You have nothing to worry about’

‘Stop worrying’.

Did these innocent and well-meaning comments leave you feeling worse? that there was even more of a problem because you couldn’t stop being anxious?

Have you been trying to fix this?

Here is your solution.

You are feeling anxious because you are having an anxious thought. Full stop.

There is nothing to do about that. Thoughts change and the feeling that comes with them changes too.

There is, in fact, nothing to fix. You aren’t broken. You don’t need to look into your past to see why you are feeling anxious. The only time you can feel anxious is right now as right now is the only time you can think anxious thoughts.

The only thing our feelings are telling us is what we are thinking, and thinking can only happen in this moment.

If you feel anxious and think that you shouldn’t be feeling that feeling, it becomes a problem and you spend a lot of time and effort trying to not feel that feeling. But to try and think yourself out of it doesn’t make sense.

If you feel anxious and know that the only way you can feel anxious is because you are having an anxious thought then it isn’t a problem. You are left with a feeling that maybe doesn’t feel great but the more you judge this as being a problem the more thinking you will have around it. Trying to think yourself out of a thought problem will become confusing. And if you can’t think yourself out of it you will have failed.

Anxiety= anxious thought coming to you in this moment, full stop

When you insightfully see that as true there is no failure, there is a knowing how that feeling is being created. There is nothing to do. You can rest in the moment.

Of course, you can substitute Anxiety with any emotion that we feel and judge as negative and want to move away from. Worry, fear, anger, churning things over.